It struck me this week that there seems to be one thing in this world that keeps people lost, angry or depressed. This item causes wars, breads sexism, racism and ultimately divides neighbor from neighbor, family member from family member. And if we sought this one thing, instead of fearing it, lives would change, communities would prosper and the Great Commission would be fulfilled. That one thing is: understanding.

One might think that wars accrue in a nation out of concerns over power and control, that marriages break down because of infidelity and growing apart. Many people believe that if we as a society could bring people around to our way of seeing the world, everything would be better.

This week I would like you to consider with me for a moment that war does not happen because a country hates their neighbor. Wars start and continue because a country does not seek to understand their neighbor.

Marriages end because one or both parties seek to be understood rather than understand the other. Our news, governments and even our houses of worship, teach people to fear their enemies. As though our lives would have peace if we sought to create people who are in our likeness.

I commend to you that when Jesus tells us to “love our enemy” or to “love our neighbor as ourselves,” he is really telling us to seek understanding. For real love, compassion, peace and wholeness is only possible when we seek to truly understand ourselves and others.

I truly believe when Gandhi tells states that “love is the force that can liberate” he is saying that understanding is the key to our freedom within ourselves and one another.

Almost weekly someone asks me what I believe is going to fix the “homeless issue” in Lakeland. And though I often give them a speech about setting boundaries and the need for more beds, what I wish I had time to say to each of them is understanding.

I get frustrated on all sides of the homeless concerns in Lakeland. Often liberal voices simply want to blame industry, laws and a lack of resources in the community. More conservative voices want to blame the homeless and individuals or as a collective for lazy choices and liberals for wanting to create a social state for entitled people to sponge off them.

But just as the community is split, so is that homeless population themselves. Some complain that the community has abandoned them in their most difficult moment — given there is a lack of jobs and medical insurance and rolling lay offs.

And then there are those small numbers of homeless and social welfare families who really do feel entitled and believe it is up to Lakeland as a community to tend to their needs.

At the end of the day, we all want the same thing. Tea Party men and women, chronic homeless, downtown shop owners, pastors, politicians alike want to be heard, respected for who we are.

We all want to know love and in the end, we all simply want to be understood as individuals and not as a collective.

Until we mindfully stop our blind acting and start listening, we as a society will always seek to control or shiver in fear around our enemies. I am ending as I began, “…’love our enemy’ is impossible, because the moment we love him, he is no longer our enemy.”

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index photo credit: the|G|™

Of course it’s difficult to sit and pray with a mourning family. Still, you see the soft tenderness of an old husband holding the hand of his lifetime bride or a family circled around their mother or father telling memories of life, hope or regrets.

Grieving is natural – a part of the circle of life. It is the band that connects people to family, community and the reality of the frailty of life. The words “from ashes to ashes” should not just be a reminder that we all eventually die, but that we should treasure those around us and love is special and impermanent.

However, the most difficult hospital rooms to walk into are the ones where no one has gathered. Where contacts were called and no one cared to come.

A few weeks ago I wrote about Danny Boy, the man barred from many places in Lakeland. A man whose incontinence kept most from getting close.

This week Danny Boy was found dead near Lake Morton.

Danny fell through the cracks of Lakeland. Not because he was invisible. Everyone downtown knew him. Danny Boy was found usually circling Kentucky and Main shuffling his feet; acting and smelling as a constant reminder of homeless issues in our community. Danny fell through the cracks because he was that reminder.

The saddest part of Danny’s death this week was not where he died. It was how he lived. Danny had been homeless, incontinent and alone in Lakeland for almost seven years.

After suffering from several strokes, Danny was left with very little mobility. He was left incontinent and unable to stay clean. After being banned from most businesses and shelters in the area, Danny was left without access to restrooms and showers. He was left without shelter. He was left alone.

His death ended his endless shuffle away from those who wanted him to move along. His death meant that Danny is finally at peace.

The tragedy of Danny’s death will come now to Lakeland. To our community, Danny was the image of God at our doorway.

“The poor will always be among us” was not a reminder that we have to always deal with those less fortunate. It was a lesson that God will constantly show His face. He looks to see if we are sharing the grace He has shown. If we are showing that face to those around us.

In a world and community like we are blessed to live in today, no one should die lost, forgotten and alone.

Last week Danny died — lost, forgotten and alone. With Danny died one opportunity to respond to God’s love.

What other faces of God are shuffling around us? How are we going to do better when we meet them?

photo credit: Zero1o1

Note: Due to a production error, this column originally misidentified the columnist as Chuck Welch. Chris Craig is correct.

Sitting down to write, I was drawn to so many different angles I thought I could have written from. The first was to try to write an explanation and letter to radical Muslims explaining the anger and freedoms which our American radical Christians enjoy. I would have tried to explain that though their fundamentalist outliers become angry flag and building burning terrorists, our fundamentalist Christians do not have to burn buildings to get attention. They have a whole FOX News network to drive their hate and fear.

See, right now America needs someone or something to blame for their economy. And truthfully isn’t it so much easier to blame a distant land or religion for our misfortune, misspending and self-indulgent lifestyle? Yet by responding with those types of words, I am only tempted into the same anger and fear which is driving those conservative voices.

Then I thought I could write the article advising Rev. Terry Jones and his Cologne congregation in Florida who desired to commemorate 9/11 by burning sacred scripture. Reminding them about the how their Lord asks them to treat their enemies.

44But I tell you: Love your enemies[a]and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matt 5:44-48)

And reminding Americans of how we feel when we hear a country is burning our flag how would we act if they were burning our bible!

However, in the end, the article which I felt the most called to share was more of a critical reflection on myself. See, my first response when someone asked me as a soul-centered, religious minded Christian was to turn to meditative, mindful silence. And though there is certainly a time for just quiet being these many years since 9/11, my response (and I believe the response of religious minded grace centered believers) needs to be one of seeking reconciliation, peace and understanding.

For example the Bishop of a group gathered in Washington this last week drafted a letter of memoriam which sought understanding and yet acknowledged the loss of lives.

A statement from Bishop Larry M. Goodpaster, President of the Council of Bishops, and Bishop Neil L. Irons, Executive Secretary of the Council of Bishops, follows:

As we approach yet another September 11, we are reminded that the world we live in continues to be a fragile place where emotions and tensions run high. There are not many of us who will ever forget where we were on that September morning nine years ago. We should never forget those whose lives were taken away in the horror of just a few hours.

September 11 should be, for all of us, a day of prayer for peace in this world. It should be a day for quiet remembrance and reflection as we seek to find and live in the ways of peace. We think of Jesus pausing on his way into the holy city of Jerusalem on the day we call Palm Sunday. He wept over the city—not so much for what was about to happen to him, but because the people did not know the things that make for peace (Luke 19:41-42). We suspect he still weeps, looking out over the world we currently inhabit.

September 11 should be a day of prayer for rebuilding and restoring relationships, and for reaching out to find ways to work and live together in this world. It is not a day for burning the holy book of another faith tradition. Tragically one person has garnered headlines for advocating such a thing. There is nothing of Jesus in such an action. In fact, as we recall, there was a time when the disciples wanted to call down fire from heaven on the perceived enemies for refusing to receive Jesus. No, Jesus said; in fact he “rebuked” those who advocated such a means. (Luke 9:51-55). Such an action is not the way of Jesus, nor the way of peace and love.

From a meeting earlier this week in Washington, DC, of religious leaders of many faith communities:

“We are convinced that spiritual leaders representing the various faiths in the United States have a moral responsibility to stand together and to denounce categorically, derision, misinformation or outright bigotry directed against any religious group in this country. Silence is not an option. Only by taking this stand, can spiritual leaders fulfill the highest calling of our respective faiths, and thereby help to create a safer and stronger America for all of our people.” ** (Bishop Larry M. Goodpaster President, Council of Bishops)

I do believe we as Americans need to remember the losses of loved ones and certain freedoms which 9/11 left us. However, many years since the loss, I believe we also have a responsibility to learn from our misfortune and find ways to build dialogue, to seek areas where peace, hope and love can be shared. For if we only celebrate 9/11 each year with silence, anger and fear, we will never find the peace and forgiveness which are the gifts that are granted through, grace, hope and reconciliation.

photo credit: jmw_wilson

One might think after reading my last articles Oh Danny Boy or Speaking for my Constituents, that I was some flaming liberal who wanted to foster a social welfare state in the City of Lakeland. Some might think that I think that our public officials and community need to dismiss the needs of merchants and taxpaying citizens to tend to the homeless condition in Lakeland.

For the last several weeks some people apparently read into my articles that I believed for someone to be right in their faith, they needed to blindly give their money and resources to everyone who claims to be homeless and hungry in our city’s parks and streets.

Thus, I want to make a few of my Religion in The City opinions a bit more clear. First, I myself do not believe that blind faith or any other spirit-centered action should ever be done without prayerful consideration for the person, place or community. The parable of the Good Samaritan is not a story about a traveler who finds a beat up man on the road and in a sacred fashion decides to throw the man a couple of bucks so he doesn’t feel bad walking around him.

I am not advocating that either the City of Lakeland or individuals in it throw money or resources which would blindly allow camping, loitering and pan-handling in the City of Lakeland. What I want to awaken is a community of soul-centered citizens who do not want to walk around those who are beaten and broken. I desire to speak words of unity and oneness in our community. Blind giving can be just as sinful as cheap grace. Both are requests and expect answers with no intent of a relationship. For even though it appears we are tending to the poor, giving someone a dollar or handout just appeases one’s guilt. Giving just so that we don’t have to really encounter or address a person’s real needs. It has the potential to be as wrong as a blanket no-camping ordinance which has the potential to criminalize homelessness.

Once again, do not get me wrong. I am not against a Camping Ordinance which sets boundaries and fosters healthy opportunities for appropriate shelter and care for our neighbors who might be lost and struggling in our community.

For example, wouldn’t it be amazing if — before seeking to trespass homeless campers — our city police were instructed to give them the option to appear in front of a partner church or social service agency? An organization trained and funded to hear and address people’s individual homeless needs?

This still gives our police the tools needed to keep the peace and set boundaries. Yet, it also grants those with broken stories the opportunity to write a new healthy chapter to their life’s narrative.

Whether you seek your religious calling or voice from Moses, Mohamed, The Buddha or Jesus, your calling to your neighbor will never be one that asks you to blindly dismiss or dehumanize another’s brokenness. There is no easy black and white answer for why the “poor will always be among us”. But there will always be an individual life story in the midst of a person’s brokenness. Only when we are willing to join in people’s individual journeys will we be able to end homelessness.

An ill given or dismissive dollar won’t buy a cup of coffee, but a mindful dollar given with time and dignity can build community, grant hope and renew a life.

photo credit: Alejandro @horno

Though most police, non-profits and churches know him, Danny never asks anyone for anything. Danny cannot get a job because of his broken English and has incontinence from his numerous strokes. He doesn’t have medical insurance so hospitals treat him but will not hold him. After his last stroke, they tended to him for a week and then had a taxi drop him off on Kentucky Boulevard, barely able to stand or walk.

Danny has to keep moving though; he doesn’t want to stop anywhere too long down town, because of the smell of his clothing, even after it is washed. Because of his many strokes Danny has a very difficult time walking or really even expressing his needs. He cannot hold his bowels and he is trespassed from any restaurant restroom. His potent smell has him formally trespassed from almost every business and even a couple of church properties in Lakeland. Even the local non-profits are only willing to wash his clothes and deliver food trays to him outside.

If you were to ask Danny, he will tell you that since he has been here almost 12 years Lakeland is his home. He has no living relatives, so he has no other place he could go for peace. Danny is unfortunately a good example of Lakeland’s chronic homeless who have fallen through all the social service cracks.

He does not have enough mental illness to be Baker Acted. He’s not a veteran, so he doesn’t have any special medical or housing benefits. He would not be eligible for public housing. After being trespassed and arrested, he has several misdemeanors which would deny him housing benefits. If you run into him on the street or in the park, you might think that he is lost or confused because he seems to never just sit or stand in one place.

Because of all these many factors, Danny sleeps out of sight in the midst of high weeds in either the “Asian Jungle” on 92 or sheltered behind brush near the overpass and railroad tracks on the west side of town.

I share Danny’s description and plight with you for two reasons. First, because he is an example of someone who would be seriously affected by the “Camping Ordinance” Lakeland is trying to put in effect in September. An ordinance which would make Danny’s type of homelessness a crime.

Second, because I cannot think of a better example of Christ’s presence in our community. It is pleasant to think of Jesus as a robed, Caucasian hippy with long hair, bright teeth and a firm handshake. It is convenient to pray to a God at Church or Synagogue who looks like you do, one that may smell like sweet incense which a cantor spreads throughout a Mass or cooked turkey at a Thanksgiving meal. But this is not how God has said he will look, act or smell when he comes to our doors.

2All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34″Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37″Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40″The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ (Matt 25:32-40)

In your meditations and prayers this week, I would like you to consider what we in Lakeland are saying to God at our doors, with a blanket “Camping Ordinance?” And one step further than that question, looking at the scripture above, would we be the sheep or goats, the wheat or the chaff?

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photo illustration credit: Edward Allen L. Lim

I suppose this would make sense if we really are to think of a government official as a representative of the community they serve. However isn’t there an implicit agreement that our elected officials will collect information and act in good faith as a voice for the voiceless? I’m not sure if voting for constituents equates to voting for the best interests of a community.

Is not acting a certain way just for the support of the popular a little like handing out candy to the captains of the dodge ball team so you don’t get picked last? Now that I think of it, I do remember distantly throwing a pizza party my sophomore year of high school to convince the students in my class that I would be the best voice for their SADD president.

I remember thinking I was so smart when I realized that the community activist kids in my classes cared far more about the pizza than my heartfelt concern about Students Against Drunk Driving. All of this seems very funny and simple now, but I wonder how many of our local, state and federal elected officials learned these lessons when they were young?

To be fair about what expectations we have set up for our elected officials, the question could be asked: is my expectation in voting for someone that they will have the best interests of the community in mind, or my best interest in mind? Do we expect our officials to faithfully seek out what is loving and right for our communities? Do we have an expectation that they will be a clear voice for those with no voice or do we elect people who we believe will carry out our own agendas and needs?

Many years after my SADD election realization about how to win votes and influence people by doing what they want, I found myself sitting in a college class on ethics where the question was posed, “Do you feed the hungry because they are hungry or because God told you to?” That is an interesting question which we may need to be asking our elected officials. Are they people who say the right thing because it is true, right and fair or because they know what it is we want to hear?

This week, as you listen to your president or consider the actions of your governor and mayor, stop and ask yourself the question: who’s best interests are they acting in and what are they doing which is just right? The question of what your expectations are for your elected officials is certainly a question to meditate and prayerful consider this week.

photo credit: TheVerve

Maybe one of the best examples was the struggle between loving one’s neighbor could be characterized by the German Lutheran theologian and writer Dietrich Bonheoffer’s notion of “Large Heartedness”. Just when World War II was going through its ascendancy stage, German Lutheran Pastor Bonheoffer took exile in New York City’s Union Seminary in Harlem. There he attended an African American congregation struggling with civil rights issues. In the heat of being part of such a radical fight for liberation, Bonheoffer was called in a deep way to unite with his neighbor through “Large Heartedness,” for he was struggling with what it really meant for a community to strive to love his neighbors as self in the midst of persecution. People say that it was through the lesson that Bonheoffer learned in Harlem that he was able to established the courage to return to his home congregation in Germany and publicly speak out against Hitler. A decision, I would like to mention, which lead to his execution.

I think what lead to this week’s observance and study of the religious calling to relationship with neighbor, is because I have realized as of late that I really do not know my neighbors. As a child I was a bit of a TV kid who kept to myself and really did not bond with neighborhood children. In college I knew my dorm or campus mates but only really in a superficial way. Though I have attended, even assisted and taught in churches most of my life, I have kept a safe distance, not wanting to share too much personal information. Church in many ways has felt like work to me. I’m not sure if you can relate to this feeling, but sometimes I think church relationships can be some of the most masked relationships with one’s neighbor that people have. And even though I know how important it is to share the intimacy of Christ’s love with a loving community and Church. Some of the most important gifts of foundation and discernment come through a truthful vulnerability which is meant to unite one another in community.

Kristin Tippett in her book Speaking of Faith points out “The context of most religious virtue is relationship — practical love in families and communities, and care for the suffering and the stranger beyond the bounds of one’s own identity.” (p.3)

What I have come to realize is just how little I know about what the “friends” or neighbors who sit next to me in cafés, bars or even church, do. This last week I got a photo head shot done by a “friend” I sit next to and joke with at least three of four times a week in town. It turned out my “friend” Mookie is really Michael Wilson, an award winning photographer for the Ledger. In the same way my pal Rob who I see around town for coffee and conversation several times a week is really Dr. Tate who is the Vice President at Florida Southern University. Now in all honesty these are just two interesting examples of neighbors who I knew what they do, but up to recently have never really gotten to know the implication of what they do and who they are.

I believe one of the key issues which our society’s religious communities are not really addressing is people’s lack of knowledge about who their neighbor is. How are we supposed to be our brothers keeper or Love our neighbor as ourselves if so much of our religious life and spirituality is wrapped up in a our own heads and our personal relationship with our maker.

This week, in the midst of your prayers and mediations, I commend to you the person sitting in the café, bar, workplace and church sitting across from you –the one next to you. And leave you with the question, “How well do you know your neighbor?”

photo credit: Tom Hagerty for Metro I4 News

The way I remember the exercise happening came out in the fact that I had been sweating profusely with a long sleeved shirt on. And at some point, without really thinking about it, I rolled up my sleeves to make a point. At that point it was not more than a couple of minutes before I could hear the little whispers about my tattoos which were now showing near my wrists. I’m not sure if it was the Holy Spirit or just a creative flash, but at that moment I put down the script of my speech and handed out white paper, crayons and markers out to all the tables. I asked each person to draw a picture or write one praise which could depict either their personality or a favorite moment –something that summed up who they are and who they have been.

When all the tables had time to share their pictures or phrases within their small groups I pulled everyone together and rolled my shirt sleeves the rest of the way up. After listening to each group present some of the stories, praises and pictures they shared, I asked them if any of them could imagine having to pick one of their life pictures or phrases to place on their body for the rest of their lives. With my sleeves rolled up I then shared the stories behind each of my tattoos. I told these grandmothers and grandfathers if they wanted to really hear the stories of their grandchildren and children’s lives, you should ask them to tell the stories of their tattoos.

I explained to the group that the youth and young adults in their church are living in a generation that shares their stories, their wounds, memories, joys and fears on their bodies. I explained to them that the easy way out was to look at the youth — with their pants hanging down, their lip rings and tattoos and assume that they are either ignorant, apathetic or worthless. I also assured them that as easy as it is for them to dismiss their children, it is just as easy for their children to dismiss them as –out of touch, unimaginative and stuck in the muds.

I think the message in our churches needs to be that the youth are just as much the church of today as tomorrow and the seniors of the church are just as relevant to the church today as they have been in the past. We are all the church of today –when we live mindfully in the moment with Christ!

This great tattoo moment jumped into my mind this week because of the article I read by Chuck Colson of The Christian Post. In the article Mr. Colson offers a strict warning to Christians who would consider getting Christ centered tattoos:

“Some believers argue that there’s nothing wrong with a Christian-themed tattoo, like the cross. And Christians who get them do so out of love of Christ. But believers ought to ask themselves which sort of mark God would prefer. Tattoos last a lifetime-unless they are painfully removed. But the spiritual marks of a Christian last through all eternity…many Christians reject tattoos…understanding of the higher and the lower, the superior and the inferior…[keeps] Christians from emulating what remains for that reason a pagan practice.”

I must confess to Mr. Colson that he is quite right, I am a Christian with a full sleeve of Christian tattoos and there are many times I wish I could just share the grace and peace of Jesus with just my verbal words because being a verbal Christian is so much easier then wearing the gospel message of hope on your physical heart and body. As a verbal Christian you have the opportunity to hide what you stand for so that you don’t offend certain audiences. I do have to confess to Mr. Colson and so many Pharasees like him, that sometimes when I am feeling weak I wish people could not look at my body and know that I am a Christian. See, when someone makes the faith leap to move deeper in their faith from just talking about God and moves to writing or drawing God’s word on their bodies and hearts to share and teach of God’s love for all humankind in the world— it is not a judgment. It simply means that some people are at a different place in their faith journey.

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be written on your heart(TATTOOED!); you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

In a past column I shared a particularly sobering moment when I was at a bar in Ybor City relaxing with friends. Totally out of the blue and certainly not from anything I had said a man seeing rushed over to me. Seeing the Serenity Prayer tattooed on my arm he stated that had been sober and in AA for quite sometime. Seeing the Serenity Prayer on my arm seemed like a reminder from God that that bar was not where he needed to be. I cannot tell you how many times a month I have experienced God using my tattoos to start a conversation with people about their faith walks. It is like wearing an invitation to talk about God where ever you go! Thus as I stated before, I must confess my life as a Christian would be so much easier if I was not called to acknowledge God’s love and allow Him to direct my path.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths” (Proverbs 3:3-6)

Now Mr. Colson do not worry, I am not saying you cannot or should not be a Christian without tattoos! Just as Paul shared with Gentiles that they did not have to be circumcised to receive Christ as the early Jewish Christians believed new converts should have to do.

It used to be that Christians could just follow blind laws such as Leviticus 19:28 “Do not… or put tattoo marks on yourselves.” Once again it is much easier for Christians to pick and choose from
Talmudic literature and decide what pieces of the law they want to judge people on and which ones they do not. Any Rabbi would tell you that the book of Leviticus needs to be interpreted within the historical context in which it was written. The Levital laws were health codes and moral codes which were laid out to build separation between the Pagans and chosen Jewish community which was to inhabit their holy land. If you are not Jewish and are reading this, I want to point out that these laws were set up to separate Jews from Pagans. If you are not Jewish, you would have been a pagan!

But I hear you saying, “But Christ changed all of that. Through the resurrection we are all saved–Jew and Gentile alike!” Well then why are you still clinging to old laws, laws that you have been told clearly you are no longer a slave from. Read these Levital laws and think for a moment what other pieces of these laws have fundamentalists abandoned because they would judge them rather than the people they feel should be judged?

‘When you enter the land and plant any kind of fruit tree, regard its fruit as forbidden. [a] For three years you are to consider it forbidden [b] ; it must not be eaten.
24 In the fourth year all its fruit will be holy, an offering of praise to the LORD.
25 But in the fifth year you may eat its fruit. In this way your harvest will be increased. I am the LORD your God.
26 ” ‘Do not eat any meat with the blood still in it.
” ‘Do not practice divination or sorcery.
27 ” ‘Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard.
28 ” ‘Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the LORD.
29 ” ‘Do not degrade your daughter by making her a prostitute, or the land will turn to prostitution and be filled with wickedness.
30 ” ‘Observe my Sabbaths and have reverence for my sanctuary. I am the LORD. (Leviticus 19)

I promise to all of you reading this, I am not trying to judge anyone for or for not having tattoos. What I am saying is that we are called to share our faith and our beliefs with our whole bodies, hearts and minds.

photo credit: Chris Craig for Metro I4 News

Chuck: She’s early

Lorrie: Praise the Lord, and as Madea would say, “Halleluyer.”

This thang is almost over!

Chuck: Hey…a Mississippi Gulf Coast commercial.
7:59 PM
Where’s “Catch your own oil!”

Lorrie: Eyes front, Welch. No blogging about commercials.

Chuck: The Governor and 1st Lady have one hell of a Mississippi accent. Wow.
8:00 PM
Lorrie: Hey..question for you: why are we doing these chats and then you don’t post them on MI4?

MI4, even?

Chuck: I’ve just heard the rumor that both Simon and Randy predicted last week that Lee would win.

DAMN!

I thought I did.
8:01 PM
Well, if our reader doesn’t tell me I messed up…then I don’t check

Lorrie: Here’s your reader telling you that you messed up.

Chuck: Now you tell me

I’m busy now
8:02 PM
\I’ll forget in 2 hours

Wow

Taylor Hicks is in the house

Lorrie: Did you see Taylor Hicks?

Chuck: lol

How many words a minute do you type?
8:03 PM
Lorrie: I just bought his CD at a yard sale for 50 cents. And I type a lotta WPM. Just not as many as you with your four fingers, apparently.

Chuck: Kara should have worn a suit and Ellen a dress.
8:04 PM
Lorrie: WTH?

Chuck: Why are they dressed in boarding school clothes?

Lorrie: school of rock costumes!

Chuck: lol

Jack Black is in the house!
8:05 PM
Lorrie: If there is one person on this earth who positively cannot rock the school girl look, it is Crystal.
8:06 PM
Andrew is back. Good thing, because so is Paula.

My girl Siobhan!

Chuck: Siobhan is going for the “I’m getting suspended” look.

Lorrie: It’s the Alice Cooper dancers!
8:07 PM
Chuck: Alice Cooper? We have a new “jump the shark”

Why is my grandfather singing “school’s out?”

Lorrie: This is the kick-off for Alice Cooper’s AARP Summer Tour. Sponsored by Geritol.

Chuck: lol
8:09 PM
The other Ford Fiesta commercial is better.
8:12 PM
Lorrie: Who’s Chris Allen?

Chuck: Kris Allen sings The Truth

and Ryan’s mic is still on

Way to go AI
8:13 PM
Lorrie: Did Kris really make it big? I’ve not heard anything about him.

Chuck: Kris Allen was a finalist last year. The one with singing talent as opposed to performing talent.

Lorrie: OK, but will he French kiss a guy onstage tonight?
8:14 PM
Chuck: He’s better now than this time last year.

He will, but the guy is Simon.

Lorrie: Are you sure that won’t be Simon and Ryan?

Chuck: What, you expect them to go public after all this time?
8:15 PM
Note: a better joke: “He will, but the guy will be Ellen.”

Lorrie: Yeah. Let’s use that one in the version you post. If you post a version at all…

Chuck: And there she goes again

How did we do the year you were the one who had to post?

Hmm.. did we make it 3 episodes?
8:16 PM
Lorrie: no, we did it the whole season. The second season we did it, I bailed.
8:17 PM
Chuck: uh huh
8:18 PM
Lorrie: Look at Ryan dancing like a white boy.
8:19 PM
Chuck: Siobhan is singing and reminding america they blew it.

Lorrie: amen

Chuck: I am so glad Ricky Minor isn’t arranging next year.

It’s 2/3 of the Bee gees

Lorrie: The living brothers’ Gibb!
8:20 PM
Chuck: Is that the Be Ge ?

Lorrie: Barry can’t hit that high note like he used to.

Chuck: Who would have guessed Robin would age the best?
8:21 PM
Lorrie: Barry looks scary to me. I’m going to call him BB for the rest of the night: Botox Barry.
8:22 PM
Someone Hassled the Hoff into appearing tonight

Chuck: They just showed Hasselhoff…and he’s off America’s Got Talent. You are hearing it here first: he will take over Simon’s chair!

He won’t be a judge. He is just grabbing the chair.

Lorrie: delete …delete…delete

Lorrie: actually, that was mean of me. You should delete that. Ed Note: And we did
8:27 PM
Chuck: Am I back?

Lorrie: Where’d you go? I just saw you disappear

Chuck: Michael has lost it

Lorrie: I love Michael McDonald. His voice is still pretty good.

Chuck: oooh you are suddenly kind
8:28 PM
Lorrie: Well, I typed waaaaay too soon. and I was wishful thinking.

Poor guy! what happened?

Chuck: He cut off his beard

They needed someone to make Mike Lynch sound good
8:29 PM
Lorrie: Taylor Hicks should’ve come up and performed with him.

I hate, HATE Dane Cook.

Chuck: Who the hell is Dane Cook?

Lorrie: A crappy excuse for a comedian.
8:30 PM
Chuck: You know, if I was that guys brother…I’d steal any money he made.

Oh god.

What a stunt
8:31 PM
That was a train wreck

Lorrie: What a horrible stunt gone horribly wrong.

Chuck: They gave the wrong idiot a mic.

Starting with Dane Cook.

Lorrie: That was a train wreck that had a tornado run through it.
8:32 PM
Chuck: Reader: in case you missed the results show…they brought on stage a bunch of fools who had tomrented Simon at auditions.

Lorrie: That was a trailer park-style tornado disaster. That had a train run through it.

Did we mention that it was BAD?
8:33 PM
Chuck: A tornado hitting that stunt would have improved it.
8:34 PM
Lorrie: Didi and Lacey.
8:35 PM
Chuck: All the women

Lorrie: Will Christina pop out of somewhere soon?

Chuck: Only if she can make it off her tour

Wait

She canceled her tour
8:36 PM
She can make it

Christina…get off your couch!

I think we’re seeing the group numbers from the concert tour.
8:37 PM
Lorrie: Thank goodness.

Clean up this mess, Christina.

Chuck: Why does the director hate closeups?
8:38 PM
Seriously? 15 seconds with the AI singers and a song by herself.

Lorrie: Christina is rocking the Princess Leah buns tonight.

Chuck: Those aren’t Leah buns

Lorrie: My bad, they aren’t Princess leah buns.

lol

Chuck: She looks like a cartoon character
8:39 PM
wait..trying to remember

Betty Boop
8:40 PM
People are getting on Christina…but I’d like to point out the names of her comtempories: Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears.

Lorrie: Christina is SOOO much better than those ho’s.
8:41 PM
Chuck: Why does she hold the mic like she’s playing trumpet?
8:42 PM
Lorrie: she’s always done that. Drives me nuts

Ricky looks like he has vampire fangs.
5 minutes
8:47 PM
Chuck: Lee is singing a good song…looks like Hall & Oates will join him
8:48 PM
Lorrie: Why can’t they just stash Andrew somewhere until it’s time to sing a Paula Abdul song?

Chuck: lol
8:49 PM
Lorrie: Big Mike doesn’t fit in. Also, he should stop dancing.
8:50 PM
John Oats has to be shorter even than Ryan

Chuck: Reader: Hall & Oates are singing and Lorrie & I are mesmerized

Lorrie: They’re the best perofrmance tonight.
8:51 PM
Chuck: Truth is: I’m watching my wife unpack an iPad.

Lorrie: what?!
8:52 PM
Is it your’s or her’s or y’alls?

Chuck: yes. not for me. Nope.

Hers.
8:53 PM
Crystal is singing “Ironic”

Lorrie: couldn’t they have had a stylist dress her dad in smething other than gay biker attire?
8:54 PM
Chuck: Well, the irony is…he isn’t a biker!

Lorrie: Alanis!

Chuck: Alanis is singing now

OMG!

lol
8:55 PM
Crystal sang “Will she go down with you to a theatre?”

Lorrie: Alanis- the world’s first woman who could sing after swallowing barbed wire and lodging a Rottweiler in her throat.

Chuck: Alanis has spray tan on tonight…oh my.
5 minutes
9:01 PM
Chuck: Alanis can’t sing alone…but Carrie Underwood can?
9:02 PM
I think Carrie has on an outfit I remember the Dead or Alive singer wearing in 1984.

Lorrie: Carrie’s jacket looks like warped vinyl records.
9:03 PM
And yes, of course Carrie sings alone. She’s a product of the Idol.
9:05 PM
Chuck: They’re giving Crystal & Lee cars….

It’s a surprise! lol…like for every other final two

Lorrie: Lame cars. And they have to pretend to be happy. Now they’re wishing they had cooled it on their designs.
9:06 PM
Chuck: Brett???

Lorrie: Brett Michaels is gonna come out on stage
9:07 PM
Chuck: on a gurney

Lorrie: lol
9:08 PM
this guy is kinda like Keith Richards. He takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’

Chuck: He sings about as well as he did before the hospital stay.
9:09 PM
Lorrie: I still kinda like that ol’ trashy thing. Reminds me of high school.
9:10 PM
Chuck: You went to high school with Brett Michaels?

Lorrie: This is me not commenting on that.
9:13 PM
Is this show almost over? Sheeeesh!
9:14 PM
Chuck: Does Anybody Really Know What Time it is?

Lorrie: Jersey City will be an audition site? God, now Snookie is gonna try out

Chuck: Yes, time to end this and announce the winner
9:15 PM
Lee is singing with Chicago

I remember when they were the Chicago Transit Authority.

Lorrie: Peter Cetera couldn’t hit that high note
9:16 PM
Wait…that isn’t even Peter!

Chuck: I don’t Cetera is with them any more.

Lorrie: even the horns sound “off” to me
9:18 PM
Chuck: Matt Rogers! He should won his year on Idol.

Lorrie: ohno he should not have.

Chuck: should have
9:21 PM
Lorrie: Pants on the Ground. OMG

Chuck: They’re doing Pants on the Ground live
9:22 PM
Lorrie: and all the dancers have their pants on the ground.

Chuck: This is the dance mix of the song

jesus

William Hung

Lorrie: WTF?!
9:23 PM
SWeet Baby Jesus, please tell my eyes they did not just see that.
9:24 PM
Chuck: They saw it.
9:25 PM
Lorrie: I think I need a moment to recover from this.
9:28 PM
Chuck: It’s 9:27. You owe me many moments I have lost forever.
9:30 PM
Paula is singing To Sir with Love I bet

Lorrie: And there she is!

she looks almost drug-free!
9:31 PM
Chuck: Lorrie left
9:32 PM
Lorrie is missing paula bringing back the judge as stoned.
9:33 PM
Is she back?

Lorrie: I didn’t realize I had gone away!

Here’s what you may have missed.

Chuck: Nope, she’s on drugs still.
no one in the audience even knows how to react to what she’s saying.
This is so uncomfortable.
9:35 PM
are you there?

Chuck: I am

You weren’t

I bet they have the winners sing for him

yes

I am right

Lorrie: Kelly Clarkson doesn’t even look like herself.
9:36 PM
David Cook is missing
9:37 PM
Chuck: Yes, his contract forbids him from getting 500 feet from Simon

oh god

2nd and 3rd place singers

Lorrie: Justin Guarini?!

Chuck: and more

Lorrie: All those losers were happy to get some stage time.
9:38 PM
Where’s Clay Aiken?

Chuck: Spamalot
9:40 PM
Lorrie: what the hell is Paula doing on that stage?

She looks so weird!

Chuck: Simon told her to come on stage
9:42 PM
Lorrie: 18 minutes to go…I don’t know if I’m gonna make it…

Chuck: at this point

the only person who cares who wins
9:43 PM
is Crystal & Lee

persons

Lorrie: Who’s gonna win?
9:44 PM
Chuck: Crystal
9:45 PM
Lorrie: Janet

Chuck: Janet Jackson admits her career is down the tubes

Lorrie: Miss. Jackson if you’re nasty.

Chuck: by appearing on AI
9:46 PM
Lorrie: I like her hair.

Chuck: I don’t

Finally we disagree on something this season.

Why does she need a cordless mic and an earpiece mic?
9:47 PM
Is she going to bust out dancing?

Not in that dress

Lorrie: in case she has a wardrobe malfunciton, she can drop the hand mic and cover herself.
9:48 PM
Chuck: Actually…that dress looks tearaway

Lorrie: She sounds like Michael.

Chuck: You think?

She always has

Most people don’t know she started dubbing him when he hit puberty.
9:49 PM
It’s why the Jacksons had her

They needed a girl to mimic Micaels voice

Lorrie: well, you called the breakaway dress trick

Chuck: Whewre’s Paula?
9:50 PM
She choreographed this

Lorrie: Let’s all say it together, readers: lip sinc.

Chuck: Poorly accomplished
9:52 PM
Lorrie: was that Edward Scissorhands in the background?

Chuck: Is that Robert Smith popping up on the stairs?

lol we saw the same guy.
9:54 PM
The video snippets of Lee and Crystal was understanted and well-done. AI must have hired it away

Lorrie: Lord, please don’t let Joe Cocker come out on stage.
9:55 PM
Chuck: They’re singing Richard Starkey’s most famous song

Sorry

Lorrie: OMG!!!!!!

Chuck: How could they not?

Lorrie: Here he is!

I love that man.

Chuck: He was actually good in “Across the Universe”
9:56 PM
Lorrie: Wow…He sounded like he was in pain.

Chuck: The key to still singing when you’re 65…sing at 20 like you’re 65 years old.

Joe Cocker’s secret
9:57 PM
Lorrie: I really and truly love him, but he just sang that high note like he was gargling with a mouthful of jacks.
10:01 PM
Chuck: Lee is about to pass out
10:02 PM
Lorrie: He looks like he’s crying.

Chuck: Breathe Lee

I think he has been told

told you
10:03 PM
Lorrie: Holy cow!!!

Lee wins.

Just like I called it. Before I said last night that Crystal would win, that is.

This is the perfect ending. Crystal gets to make her own album without having to try to be pop.

Chuck: Ryan just had to remind everyone that crystal is the runner up
10:04 PM
Lorrie: That’s why David Cook wasn’t on here tonight. they didn’t want to confuse the audience.

Chuck: Ryan asks Lee “How does it feel to be the American Idol”

and Lee answers “I don’t know.”

Because he didn’t win

Lorrie: Can Ryan just kindly STFU???
10:05 PM
Chuck: actually, Lee should join Chicago. They need a new lead singer.
10:06 PM
The stage manager is screaming and pointing at someone

Well, Lorrie
10:07 PM
thanks

Lorrie: It’s been fun! Maybe we’ll recuperate and do it again next season.

Chuck: lol

you are so funny

Lorrie: Think you can get this posted before next Tuesday?
10:08 PM
Chuck: I figure I can print it installments and people will think the show is on for another 4 weeks

Lorrie: lol. OK, I’m outta here.

Chuck: enjoy

Lorrie: Bye

photo credit: Samuel Judge Photography